The End of The World
by Ianuaria
Summary: Set in episode 2.16 by the same name. Something that could easily have happened, and left Derek with an impossible choice to make. Warning:Character Death. *Surprise Epilogue up!*
1. Chapter 1

**_Mostly a one -shot, set after the explosion in 2×16, The End of The World._**

 ** _I know it's laughably short, but I'll write another chapter unless I get feedback to the contrary._**

* * *

" Where is she? "

" She's right here. " Richard soothes, and then she is, turning the corner into his arms.

" Oh thank God. " he whispers , and he holds her close, her heartbeat pounding against his chest the only thing he can feel.

There's a rumble, somewhere above them, screams, the sound of glass shattering and windows blowing out, but all he can hear is her breath in his ear.

" Thank god you're safe. "

* * *

She's stiff, eyes glassy with shock, blood that's not hers crusted down her cheek and on the soot stained blue gown that he's still wearing, and all she can say as he pushes her gently into the stream of water is _he's dead._

Izzie and Cristina are there too, wringing their hands, unsure what to do, so he lets them take care of her, wipe her face and rinse her hair.

" Bailey had a boy. " Izzie says, giggling at how ridiculous it is that on a day like this there is still something to celebrate.

" Came into the world with a bang. " Cristina snorts, and then they're all three of them laughing, collapsing against each other under the water.

* * *

He changes into a fresh pair of scrubs, dumps his sweaty pair in the laundry.

They've given her a mild sedative, for the shock, and since she refused a hospital room with the only real emotion she's shown since the explosion, he tucks her into the bottom bunk in an on call room and spoons her close, breathing in the scent of her hair and pondering just how close he came today to losing what has become his entire world.

The sound of the seventh page gets to him, tinny and shrill, cutting through the fog of exhaustion and he reaches blindly for the pager.

 _Trauma Two. 911._

He leaves her wrapped in blankets and sleeping soundly with a kiss on the cheek, heads down to the ER, cursing whoever the hell had the nerve to need him tonight, to take him away from her when she needs him.

" Where is he? " Richard is demanding, he can see frantic movement in trauma two behind him, a body being resuscitated, words flying thick and too fast for him to hear.

" Here. " He says behind him, assuming that he's the one being asked about.

" Where the hell have you _been_?" His mentor asks, fist clenching.

" She needed me. " he protests, registering belatedly that Adele is there too.

" Honey, that is not the _she_ who needs you." she says quietly, resting a hand on his shoulder like she's bracing him for something.

He shrugs her off, impatient.

She's always been closer to Addison, anyway.

" They needed to ask you. When to - stop. " Richard forces out the last word like it's choking him on the way up his throat.

" Stop what, Richard, I really don't have time for this right now, I need to -"

The older man silently wrenches open the door to the trauma room, and only then does he see that the hair spread across the pillow is a shade of red he knows sparkles with gold and auburn and burgundy in the sun, that the rings they are cutting off her fingers are rings that he put there, that the faint scar across her thigh exactly two fingers above her left knee is from a sailing incident at age sixteen and that _this_ is what it feels like, to have your entire world taken away from you.

* * *

 _ **So. ... another chapter?**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_May be a little confusing; I'll have the third chapter up as soon as possible._**

* * *

 _" Everything, do everything, don't stop. " he croaks, sliding down the wall outside the room where he himself has lost too many lives to count._

 _" What do you think they're doing. " Richard snaps, so out of character that he almost laughs._

" Charge again. " Burke orders, the fourth or maybe the seventh time.

" Clear. "

" BP falling. Oxygen sats below sixty and falling. "

 _Dammit, Addison, fight._

" Another round of epi?" Bailey's voice, quiet steel.

" Go. "

" Charge again, 360. Clear. "

" Asystole. "

 _Don't do this, Addison_

 _._ " Push another of adenosine and shock at 400. "

" How long she been down? " Richard, hoarse and anguished.

" Forty minutes. " Callie says, tears imminent.

 _Forty?_

" Derek. " Adele says softly, hand closing over his. " Don't watch. "

He can't stop watching.

" Burke. " he chokes, and the other man meets his eyes as the door swings shut behind a nurse. "Please. "

He looks away, and he's not sure if anyone heard him at all.

* * *

" I told you to do everything. " he rages at him later, waves of shame crashing over him.

" We did. " he says gently, but his eyes drip contempt for him.

Because while his wife was being resuscitated he was curled in bed with another woman and for forty minutes he could not be found.

Because when Richard asked if she would have wanted _extraordinary measures_ he has no answer.

Because he stands rooted to the floor outside her ICU room, while inside Callie holds her hand and Miranda fusses with the blankets.

Because Adele is shaking with sobs and the nurses and interns who whisper _smoke inhalation_ and _possible brain damage_ are closer to the glass than he is, and they give him curious stares as Preston shoos them away.

His eyes are so dry they feel sandpapered.

" Honey, you have some calls to make. " Adele says, slipping easily into the role of mother.

 _Not tonight,_ he thinks.

Meredith is still in the bed he left her in.

" Take me home. " she whispers, and he does.

* * *

There's pads of paper at the nurses station, scratchy ball pens and Nurse Judy's son is named Ryan, he's eight and likes outer space and hotdogs.

This is what you find out if you spend three hours standing there and Nurse Judy feels particularly sorry for you.

That's what people feel, sorry.

Sorry, because she was so young.

 _Is,_ he wants to scream, but the word dies in his throat so he sticks to scribbling on his pad.

Sorry, because she didn't deserve this.

 _Who does?_

Sorry, because she was so talented, so brilliant.

 _No spontaneous brain activity_ , the statement in relation to the Addison he knows is ridiculous and if he weren't so good at what he did he would accuse them of reading the scan wrong.

He's never felt quite as useless, he might be Dr. Derek Shepherd, world renowned neurosurgeon, but Addie's brain is beyond even his capabilities.

He's useless as Derek, too, he stands here fiddling with the phone and gathering his frayed nerves while what seems like everyone in the freaking hospital traipse in and out of her room and there are so many flowers delivered to the nurses station that O'Malley starts sneezing.

He uses her phone because Archer is notoriously hard to find as it is, and Derek isn't his favorite person as of now , so the safest bet is that he'll pick up his sister's call.

It goes to voicemail, and he manages to stutter out the gist of it.

Bizzy and the Captain are easier; their secretaries are used to taking messages and if the tragedy of this one gets to them, they don't show it.

It somehow gets dark outside the windows and the nurses are changing shifts and glancing his way when Richard comes to him.

" We need all her paperwork . Healthcare directives, instructions, whatever. "

He sits on the edge of the bed in the trailer on what used to be her side, while Meredith lies wordlessly on his.

It's all tucked neatly in a clear plastic file, typical Addison.

 _Thirty days_.

Thirty days on life support.

One gone already.

 _Twenty nine._

They're an equation with three variables, complex and nonlinear.

How do you make an equation easier ?

Eliminate a variable.

Which one?

They'll just have to wait twenty nine days, because one of their variables is self eliminating.

And he's never felt as sick as he does when the first thought that pops into his mind at the sight of _thirty days_ is that equations with two variables are easier than equations with three.

* * *

 ** _I'll have the next chapter up as soon as possible, please stay with me!_**

 ** _Also, reviews are always welcome! And thank you to all the wonderful readers who took the time to review my ultra short first chapter; you make my day._**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Day Two_**

 _This ventilator is noisy. Can you hear it?_

 _-Derek._

* * *

 ** _Day Three_**

 _The shrink says I should write stuff down. So I am. When you wake up, you can read this and laugh, which is the reason I am writing this at all. To hear you laugh. So you have to wake up._

 _-Derek._

" What are you writing? " Adele asks .

" Nothing. " he says , hiding the pad of paper Nurse Judy gave him.

She sighs heavily. " Go home. "

" She might wake up. "

" Not tonight. "

He goes home, but the driveway is full of cars and he can't face the pity or the staring so he goes to the trailer instead, but her shoes are on the floor and her clothes are on the bed and she's everywhere so he goes to Joe's instead.

* * *

 ** _Day Four_**

 _I swear I've never had a hangover this bad, Addie, and no one makes Bloody Marys like you do._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 _ **Day Five**_

 _Mark's here. Clearly, you didn't call him. Who did? Anyway, wake up and tell him to go back._

 _-Derek._

He ends up with five stitches and Mark with three, a fact he gloats over while stitching first his own face and then Derek's.

" How long. "

" Twenty five days. "

" Red, wake up. " he says, close enough to her ear to stir the soft red strands.

" Get away from her. " he snaps tersely, and thank god Bailey is there or there would have been a repeat punch out over the body of the woman they both love.

 _Red, get up off your ass before I kill this man._

 _-Mark._

* * *

 _ **Day Six**_

 _I never liked your brother, you know. Bailey thinks he was raised by wolves but I know for a fact it was just Bizzy and the Captain._ _I think you might be the only person he loves._

 _-Derek._

Archer takes one look at his sister and suddenly Mark is putting four more stitches in his other cheek.

At this rate he'll be in a bed next to her in no time.

 _Addie, really, I thought you were stronger than this. You're a Forbes Montgomery, remember that._

 _\- Archer._

* * *

 _ **Day Seven**_

 _Addison, it has been a week. This is starting to get ridiculous._ _I don't like many people, but I always liked you to. You're polite, you smell nice and you save babies. What happened to your brother?_

 _-Bailey._

Her stats are the same they've been all week so he takes the night off because he's starting to stink, a fact Archer points out.

While he's gone they spike a little, and he thinks she might be laughing at him because he sat here till his ass was numb and the moment he left, she surprised them all.

 _Okay, you can have the last word._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 ** _Day Eight_**

There were cameras, in the scrub room and the hallway.

They might be able to recover some footage.

Because she could have left the floor.

They wheeled Bailey and the baby out of the OR a whole minute before the explosion.

All the nurses had left.

 _You have a hell lot of explaining to do._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 _ **Day Nine**_

 _The flowers are starting to wilt, Addison._

 _\- Preston._

There's no footage yet.

Meredith is in therapy. She can't sleep.

Neither can he.

 _Your parents are coming tomorrow. I'd say you're the lucky one, because I have to face them alone, but it's morbid so I won't._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 _ **Day Ten**_

 _I braided your hair for you. How do you look pretty while not actually conscious? Your mother is worse than mine. Oh crap , what if she reads this, I put my foot in my mouth on paper if that's even possible. Get up, I have date details to tell you._

 _-Callie._

Bizzy sits stiffly at her daughter's bedside for fifteen minutes and trails a finger down her cheek.

The Captain sits stiffly at his daughter's bedside for fifteen minutes and looks suspiciously red eyed, reaches for her hand but holds the railing instead.

 _This is a pointless exercise but your husband insisted. Anyway, the roses came in second this year. I know you always liked the cream ones. Why are you living in a trailer?_

 _-Bizzy._

She doesn't like the cream ones .She thinks they're insipid.

She likes the yellow ones.

He buys a dozen and puts them outside the window where she can see them.

 _Kitten, don't do this._

 _-William A .Montgomery._

There was another spike today. It happened while he was sitting on her left side, so he sits there for another eight hours.

Nothing happens.

* * *

 ** _Is this format too confusing?_**

 ** _Please please please let me know in the reviews!_**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Okay, there seems to be a little confusion with the events. I'm sorry, I should have been clearer._**

 ** _Meredith was still the girl with the bomb._**

 ** _Bailey didn't push. Addison stole an OR._**

 ** _Derek and Burke left and instead of Addison, he finds Meredith downstairs after the explosion._**

 ** _I wrote this because really, when a freaking bomb goes off, how did only one person die?_**

* * *

 ** _Day Eleven_**

They recovered the footage.

First he and Tucker leave the OR floor, then Burke.

And then Meredith and the bomb squad, rolling the gurney down the corridor, inch by agonising inch.

Yang is there too, some sort of one - woman honor guard.

Bailey, and the isolette with her son in it.

No Addison.

" She waited. " Richard slumps defeated in his chair.

" For what? " he asks numbly .

" You. " he stares at him like he's lost his mind, which may be true. " She knew you were operating on Bailey's husband. She thought you were still there. She waited for you. "

 _I never deserved you._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 ** _Day Twelve_**

 _You know, I don't speak girl. But you were there when I needed you and you didn't make a sob fest out of it. Thank you for that. And if writing on this thing makes you get better then I'll write the freaking Declaration of Independence._

 _-Cristina Yang._

The Montgomeries leave, trailing apologies and promises to return.

He's secretly relieved; he likes to think that so is she.

 _Hey Addie, they're gone now. Go on and wake up._

 _Derek._

* * *

 ** _Day Thirteen_**

It's an unlucky number.

She develops a slight infection and a fever.

No visitors allowed.

He finds the hospital chapel for the first time in the year he's been here.

 _I'm still on your service, for what it's worth. Come yell at me, it's no fun without you. And seriously, your guy's praying. Could you stop him from making an idiot of himself? Because clearly you're going to kick ass as usual and be up before we know it._

 _-Karev._

* * *

 ** _Day Fourteen_**

Savvy hugs him in a cloud of perfume and tears, Weiss claps him on the back and sits with him while he tries to breathe without choking.

 _Sweetie, this isn't what we planned for our next meeting. It was supposed to involve shopping and spa day and no men. Derek rarely leaves, you know. I bought you that bag. You know the one. Wake up and I might let you have it._

 _-Sav._

Archer calls once a day to demand updates.

He lets Mark deal with him, manwhore to manwhore.

 _Addie ,I know you're mad at Derek, but he's falling apart. He loves you. He's too stupid to know it and too thick to show it. You never gave me that dance at last year's owe me one dance, and I know you're not one to forfeit._

 _-Weiss._

 _Do you remember that place, with the bed? And the sheets, and room service? And that place with the boat? We'll go back there._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 ** _Day Fifteen_**

Archer is back. He's staying at the Archfield.

Mark is at the Archfield.

Callie is at the Archfield.

He sticks to his trailer. Her perfume still lingers .

It used to annoy him; it mingled with the steam from the tiny shower in mornings and settled into everything.

He's grateful for it now, because it makes the trailer feel a little bit like home.

 _I know you can't eat them but I baked you some muffins. Blueberry . It's what I do when someone is sick. They're really good. Your friend ate most of them though. I would be honored to work with you. And I don't hate you. None of us do. We tried, believe me. But we don't._

 _-Izzie S._

 _Addie. This isn't the end of us. I need you, I need your bitching and your whining and wine nights with you and your shoulder to cry on and I need you to be there kicking my ass whenever I need it. Maya needs her godmother. Derek needs you. So this is not the end of us._

 _-Naomi._

Sam asks where he was when it happened.

Archer sneers and tells him he was babysitting his intern.

His intern is on the step of his trailer when he gets back.

" I'm sorry. " she whimpers, a pitiful sound.

 _You certainly are. Sorry is a good word for you._

He lets her sleep in the bed tonight. Neither of them should be left alone.

He sits on the deck all night.

* * *

 ** _Day Sixteen_**

 _My Addie lives to cut. My Addie is a fighter, she doesn't back down, and she always wins. Remember your intern year? I could see the greatness in you. You're my star. Don't forget that._

 _-Richard._

 _Addison, Naomi has eaten all the muffins. Please wake up. I wrote a book. I'll leave it here so you can have a good laugh when you do._

 _-Sam._

 _Tucker Montgomery Jones. That is my son's name. I would like to be able to point him towards the person it came from in about five years when he's getting teased on the playground. So quit lazing around and get up._

 _-Miranda._

The trailer doesn't smell like her anymore.

The traces of her are starting to fade.

Archer finds Meredith in an on call room and tells her she'll never measure up. She'll never be enough.

Joe calls that night, something about too much tequila and men with dirty eyes.

He can't leave her there , Cristina is nowhere to be found and Izzie no longer speaks to Meredith.

So he takes her home.

Archer asks if he's found a nanny yet.

* * *

 ** _Day Seventeen_**

He puts his ring on again.

He'd have done it sooner, he tells himself, but he couldn't find it.

He holds her hand, tracing his thumb over the pale circle where her rings used to be, and understands for the first time what it feels like to be the only one left in a marriage.

 _I'm sorry. One last chance, that is all I want to make this right. We're still us._

 _-Derek._

 _Come on, Adds. You once bet me a hundred Derek would pull off a aneurysm repair without blowing it and you lost. I'll bet you a grand he can't pull this off without you and I'll gladly lose this time. The man's a mess. Cut him a break._

 _-Mark._

Eleven days to go.

He's been married to her for eleven years but now all he has are eleven days and it feels like karma laughing in his face.

* * *

 __ ** _To all the people who reviewed so far - you are angels who make my whole day._**

 ** _Please review!_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_To each and every reviewer, THANK YOU. So much. You really make my day._**

* * *

 ** _Day Eighteen_**

He's been off the board for eighteen days now and Richard asks wearily if he needs more time.

 _Yes_.

" I'll take a craniotomy or two. " he mumbles to his shoes, and he can feel Mark's eyes boring into his back.

" Just like before, right Derek? " he smirks, and in the OR he pretends it's Mark's skull under his drill.

 _Addie - we can't leave things this way. We forgive you. Liz and Kath and me. You're the fifth Shepherd sister. You only married him to be our sister, anyway. We're not the same without you. When you're better, we'll help knock some sense into his thick head_.

 _-Nancy._

Nancy is waiting in his trailer that night, perched on the bed like an ill omen.

" You still hide the key in the lamp thing. " she shakes her head.

He hadn't put it there - foresight is something he's lacked so far in Seattle.

She must have done it, probably after he left her on the doorstep on Thanksgiving.

One more failure, one more inadequacy.

" This thing is like a Twinkie. " she sniffs. " I can't believe Addie lives here. "

Meredith knocks pleadingly on the door and flees when she sees Nancy.

He doesn't care what she's probably thinking.

" Very anti -Addison, " his sister observes ."No balls at all. "

* * *

 ** _Day Nineteen_**

The interns are staring and gossiping again, Meredith at the center of the coven.

" Jeez, Meredith, it's not about you sometimes. Sometimes it's about other people and other things. " Izzie snaps.

 _God got a virgin pregnant by magic .Clearly, god is not playing by the rules. But if anyone deserves a second chance, it's you._

 _-Izzie_.

 _Your guy is starting to get on my nerves._ _This is all his fault._

 _-Karev._

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty_**

He finds Callie dabbing Vaseline on his wife's lips.

" She h-hated chapped lips. " she chokes, and he wonders how she knows this little tidbit.

Clearly, not everyone in Seattle had ignored Addison.

 _I found the most exquisite Ethiopian espresso beans today. You appreciate the finer things in life - there's a cup with your name on it whenever you're ready._

 _-Preston._

 _You're a sensible woman and you appreciate our work. We are all rooting for you._

\- _Debbie._

As the days wear on and his lifeline grows shorter, unexpected names crop up in the little notepad, which is starting to look distinctly the worse for wear.

 _Join us for next Saturdays game. I bet you're more fun than that mopey husband of yours anyway._

 _-Dave._

 _I won't miss the crazy hormonal pregnant women you ask me for consults on but I'll definitely miss you. Get well soon._

 _-Raj._

Archer returns , blustering, checks his sisters latest scans and grudgingly concurs with the opinion of _minimal brain activity_.

" She skipped third grade and she got into Yale and she fucking speaks French. What the hell do you mean , minimal brain activity? "

 _We'll spend Christmas in New York, just us. Ice skating and the Rockefeller tree and Central Park and all the Dickensian drinks you want. Like it used to be._

 _-Derek._

" You do realise you can't _bribe_ her awake. " Archer asks without a trace of sardony when he reads the days messages to her like he always does.

" He's trying to make up for everything. " Mark scoffs, at him or at Archer he's not quite sure.

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty One_**

There's a tiny unicorn curled into her fingers, cheap dollar store acrylic but it sparkles prettily under the fluorescent lights.

 _They're magical, remember? I'm not twelve anymore and you're not the same, but maybe there's still a little magic. You've saved my life more times than one and not in the literal sense of the word. I can't lose my best sister. I think you'd be proud of now, though, and that keeps me going._

 _-Amy._

" There was a visitor around three in the morning- young woman, dark hair, _very_ insistent. She was a doctor from Hopkins so we let her in. " Judy says when he asks, and he feels one more thing slipping through his fingers.

 _Is Hurricane Amelia blowing through town not enough to wake you up?_

 _-Mark._

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Two_**

Mark shows up with vanilla buttercream cupcakes.

" It's her birthday. " he says, and he sounds too weary to be judgemental.

" You remembered. " he rasps, embarrassed and angry for some reason.

" Someone had to. "

There's no food allowed in the unit she's in but this is Addison, after all ,and the nurses are indulgent.

 _Happy birthday, Red. You're one year closer to needing my expertise on that face. Just kidding. You're beautiful._

 _-Mark._

 _Addie, it's your birthday. Not a happy one, but still your birthday. I'd buy you a drink and tell you you're ancient but here we are._

 _-Archer._

 _Happy birthday Montgomery. Let's celebrate the next one, okay?_

 _-Alex._

When word about the date gets out, people fill the tiny notepad and start writing on post its he sticks to the wall.

Judy silently gives him another pad.

She's thirty nine.

She might be thirty nine forever, never hit her long-dreaded fortieth .

The thought of how happy that would once have made her makes him choke a laugh around his cupcake and Mark stares until he coughs _never forty_ and they laugh till they're breathless and it feels like _before._

The three of them , always vanilla buttercream for her birthday because Bizzy always insisted on things like chocolate ganache and she likes to rebel, laughing like there's no tomorrow.

Only now, there might not _be_ a tomorrow and her lilting laugh is missing, and it soundshollow with just the two of them so they stop, sombre.

Mark swipes frosting on her cheek and his eyes are screwed shut and red.

One week.

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Three_**

 _Sometimes I forget you're not here and i come in all bursting with hot gossip . I mean, you're **here** , but you're not talking. I miss your blunt snarky opinion on everything._

 _\- Callie._

 _Do you want Chief, is that what you're holding out for? It was yours anyway._

 _\- Richard._

He rests in an on call room between surgeries, which are the only periods of lucidity in his life; the rest is numb and hazy.

He's more lost without her than he'd ever have cared to admit.

Meredith climbs into his lap sticky and cloying, _pick me choose me love me_ and the only thing that comes to mind is that in six days, there may be no need to choose.

He kisses her mindlessly, needing to _feel_ somethingand realises what she must have meant that long ago night in New York when she said _he was just there._

" I want never to see you again. " he hisses, and she looks so hurt it feels good.

Roles reverse and now he's cutting the other to pieces while the first lies broken in a hospital bed; he has no idea what happened in the last year because he no longer recognises himself.

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Four_**

Bailey pulls him into an elevator and tells him he had no right to break not one but two _dam fine_ women.

 _Fight. I know you have it in you. Don't do it for anyone else. Do it for you, because you are amazing and you are strong and you are talented and you have no business dying when people need you to save babies. And because you're a good friend._

 _-Miranda._

It's the first time anyone has written or spoken that word - _dying_ \- and he thudding finality of it makes him climb into the bed beside her and hold her tightly against him, as if he can somehow cram more of her into his heart while he still can.

Her heart rate spikes and holds steady; they cheer wildly and he stays like that for hours.

 _Come back to me, Addie._

 _-Derek._

* * *

 ** _So, five days to go._**

 ** _Please review, it makes my brain faster and my heart happy._**


	6. Chapter 6

**_Well, sorry for the gap between updates._**

 ** _And your reviews? My god , I want to send you all flowers! Thank you soo much. You're all amazing beautiful lovely people._**

 ** _Enjoy._**

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Five_**

His mother brings a colorful knitted blanket and drapes it over her body, like she's hoping the bright colors of the yarn might seep into her pale cheeks.

"How did you let it get so bad, Derek?" she asks, not an accusation but a disappointment.

 _Addie,honey. We didn't get along too well most of the time, but I never hated you. I couldn't. He l_ _oved_ _you, and I love him, and so I loved you, and not always just by extension._ _You were different, but you were warm and loving and kind and everything that matters. You weren't the right girl, but you were the best girl. And with Derek, that's what mattered .You kept him in line. You know he hasn't been to see me since you left?_ _Come back, sweetheart,and make it right.I'm so sorry this happened to you._

- _Mom._

She writes in the past tense and he takes the notepad back before she's finished reading.

No need to go putting ideas in Addie's head.

She notices the plastic unicorn and fingers it gently, she wants to ask but she's choked with pride and he won't tell her because he's ashamed to admit that the one person his wayward sister kept in touch with shares no blood with her.

Preston brings a sleek CD player and journals about subconscious awareness in comatose patients; the music reminds him of evenings in the brownstone after particularly harrowing days at work when soft violin soothed her jangled nerves.

 _Eugene Foot, Benaroya Hall, in two weeks .I have tickets. Care to come?_

 _-Preston._

She only likes it because Bizzy used to play records in an attempt to hammer classical music into her children.

 **..**

 _"Why do you listen to that anyway?" he yawns; Amy's not the only Shepherd lulled to sleep by the strains of violin._

 _"Bizzy. She used to play old recordings all the time; I took piano, Archie took cello until she lost interest."_

 _"Why'd you stick with it?"_

 _She pauses,embarrassed. "It made her happy."_

 **..**

She'd do anything for a smile, a pat on the back from Bizzy, who shows up trailing luggage and Susan and her husband, in that order, demanding results.

" I don't care. You will _find_ a way." she hisses at , Dr. Nelson , who cowers in fear.

"Bizzy, easy." her husband warns.

" That's our _daughter_ in there, William, we have to do something."

 _Always such an admirable sense of duty._

"I'm sorry, ,but your wife's directives were very clear. Thirty days only."

"Who are you?" he asks bluntly, exhausted past the point of socially acceptable conversation.

"Harrison Bedford, attorney for the Montgomery family. Mrs. Montgomery asked me to review the directive,find any loopholes-"

"Thank you." he says, clipped; he remembers where he saw that name, he saw it on the divorce papers she gave him.

 _Do you ever think , that even though I'm Satan and an adulterous bitch, that I still might be the love of your life, Derek?_

"You are." he whispers into her neck.

He hates her for this. He hates because it took so long for him to realise he loves her and she chooses to do _this_ , to punish him in the worst possible way.

"You've done enough." he snaps as Bizzy sips tea and intimidates nurses.

"Someone had to." she says,cool as ever,and he realises where Addison got her death stare from.

 _Addison. I might not have supported many of the choices you have made for I confess, I have always admired your strength and have always known what you wanted. Always remember that I was proud of you._

 _-Beatrice._

"How much longer?" Meredith asks softly , hesitantly, as they change the dressing on her IV site.

"Not long enough."

 _Come on , Montgomery, show them they're wrong. We used to call you Satan, you know. Doesn't that piss you off?_

 _-Alex._

"Karev, nice technique." Mark sneers. "Annoy her into waking up."

"You got a better idea?" the younger man mocks, and he has no idea what is going on as the two men bristle at each other until Izzie Stevens hauls Alex away.

 _I really,really need you here, you 're the best teacher I've ever had and at the risk of social boycott, I will say that you are my friend._

 _-Izzie._

He catches Meredith looking through the glass but at whim, he's not sure.

"Want to come in?" he asks wearily,hoping for the negative.

She always gives him what he wants, so she shakes her head and spins on her heel, jogs down the corridor with her shoes squeaking.

"Survivors guilt." Preston observes sagely.

 _Why do **I** feel so guilty , then _he wants to ask, but settles for holding her hand like a good husband.

He sleeps there that night.

He kisses her goodnight, making up for lost time, and Meredith and Mark watch through the glass, lips moving silently.

Four days.

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Six_**

He wakes up with a crick in his neck from the plastic chair; by the time he returns from his shower Mark has replaced it with a softer recliner.

Only one.

"She chose you." he shrugs, nonchalant but shattering on the inside.

He knows him too well, can see him breaking, and he couldn't care less.

"Never thought you'd be one to fall in love."he says, inclines his head towards the object of their affections.

Time is warping, flowing faster and faster until the monitors blip or hum to indicate a change, a rise, a new grain of hope, and when that happens time slows down until he's almost going backwards.

Time has no meaning anymore,and nothing is off limits because this might be the end of everything or the start of a new beginning .

So it's okay to discuss this, okay to let his brother shoulder some of the burden that threatens to crush him.

"Never thought it might end like this." he says hoarsely.

"When did it start , between you?" he asks masochistically,needing to know .

"I...I don't know.I don't know anything anymore,honestly. "

"Me neither."

"I want her to be happy, she wakes up, she should be happy, whatever - or _whoever -_ that means."

"Yeah."

What the hell is he going to do if she doesn't choose him?

 _When_ she doesn't choose him?

 _Addie, I haven't been fair to you. When you wake up I promise to listen to everything you wanted to tell me._

 _-Derek._

He sees the interns huddling together, weary heads resting on friendly shoulders,and is reminded inexorably of themselves, red and brown and sandy blonde bumping together in the backseat of a taxi after forty hour shifts.

They started down this road together, and at some point he failed to notice, it forked; two went down one side while the third drifted down the other; it was so subtle he's not sure who the two were .

It could be him and Addison, Mark cut out as an unwelcome reminder of their failures and indiscretions.

It could be him and Mark, brothers always, and a few years down the line she'd be a reminder of what _might_ have been , but never was.

The third is the most painful. It could be Addison and Mark, the way he suspects it was supposed to be, and he'd drift in rainwashed Seattle , cutting and living in his trailer, and they might see each other sometimes, awkward drinks and small talk and uncomfortable laughs when intertwined memories surface through the alcohol.

But it won't ever be the three of them again,of that he's sure.

 _Add, today I decided to leave it up to you. You should be happy,whoever you choose. We've all hurt each other,all three of us, but we'll stop now. See? Mature adult thinking, PG-13 .You'd be proud of me._

 _-Mark._

The Captain blusters about articles on drug combinations for coma revival, until Richard leads him to his office and he emerges ten minutes later red eyed and silent.

Richard was more a father to her than William Montgomery,who he catches eyeing Judy's ass while she does a vitals check.

"Really,Captain," Mark says wryly. "She'd be proud. Take every opportunity, eh?"

 _Pot, kettle._

But that's not true, Mark looks exactly the way he feels.

He doesn't look at giggly blondes anymore. He doesn't flirt with techs anymore. He doesn't make innuendos anymore.

He sits on the spine-destroying benches outside the ICU for hours on end until he lets him in, strokes her hair and reads her the newspaper, hospital gossip, bits and pieces about her patients, he deals with the doctors when they want to discuss comfort measures- a word that sends him, her husband, spinning to the hospital chapel- and he brings him coffee and tells him when he needs a change of clothes.

 _Kitten,we're all pulling for you here. Fight like I know you can. Be your mother's worst nightmare. It was always so funny when you riled her up. We weren't around enough for you,and there are no words to express how much I regret missing so much of your life. But I love you. You're my brave stubborn beautiful little Addie,and you'll make it. I hope your mother reads this and yells at me..It might wake you up._

 _-William Montgomery._

They find him in Joe's a while later, three drinks down and Bizzy nowhere to be found.

They're debating what to do with him, when Archer turns up and takes him to his hotel.

" Thank god," Bizzy wrinkles her nose when she emerges from her lair in Addison's office. "He'd only embarrass himself here."

His mother takes her firmly by the shoulder and leads her away before he can explode .

"What do I do,Addie?" he whispers into her hair that night. " What do I do without you?"

Three days.

* * *

 _ **Don't want to seem greedy especially after how generous you've been but... review please?**_

 ** _I'll try not to be so slow next time._**


	7. Chapter 7

**_Thank you, for all your amazing reviews and lovely feedback. You guys totally make my day._**

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Seven_**

They say to be positive. To be strong. That she'll make it. That he has to believe in her.

 _I'm a sink with an open drain, Addie._

He feels that way now. It all runs right out of him.

Did he feel that way when he said it to her, that evening in the elevator?

He doesn't know.

No.

He didn't. Or he wouldn't feel this way now, suctioned out and empty,watching her inch closer to death.

Would he?

 _ **..**_

 _Addie, one last try, girl,you got never back down. Ever. And you're selfish,so so selfish. Do it for yourself,Addie,don't let this be the way you go._

 _-Naomi._

 ** _.._**

"Really Nae?" Mark quirks a tired eyebrow."Now you tell her?"

"Well,she can't pinch me from there."she smiles shakily.

She cries constantly, tears leaking almost unnoticed from her dark eye; Sam looks ragged.

He resents their presence; to him, it marks the shift into the final countdown, the relentless progression of days.

 _ **..**_

 _You used to say this to us all the time back in school,and I used to think you were just a wiseass, but I think you were right, that we don't get unlimited opportunities. So take this one._

 _-Sam._

 ** _.._**

"You okay, Bennett?" Archer asks,looking too closely.

"Yeah, yeah,I'll just...go call Maya,she's with a friend back home-" he stumbles away and they stare after him.

Isn't he _too_ distressed?

"All three," Archer shakes his head."And she says _I_ get around."

"Shut up,Archer." they say together and for the first time in days he sees the ghost of a smile on Mark's face.

They sit on a freezing bench outside the hospital, sipping coffee and staring in opposite directions.

"Was it easy?" Mark rasps.

"Sorry?"

"Was it easy? To say that to her. On Christmas Eve, Derek, was it easy?" His slate eyes are wild, angry, his voice rough.

"You kn-"

"Of course I fucking know, she had to talk to _someone_." he says bitterly.

"I don't know," he says, embarrassed at how honest yet how wrong this answer is.

"She stayed. She stayed in an OR ten feet away from a bomb, for you, she stayed, a bare month after you told her- on her favorite holiday of the year- that you loved another woman. And she wouldn't stay in New York for me."

And he looks away, a tear sparkling on his jaw, and he doesn't know what's more surprising, that tear, or his admission of guilt,of loving his wife.

" And now she might die."

 _Because of you_ is what he doesn't say, but it hangs there just the same, heavy in the cold air between them.

 _ **..**_

 _Okay, so the quints are going home today. All four of them. That sounds weird. All four of the quints.I thought you should know. You saved them. You could do that. You could still save you._

 _-Izzie._

 _Thank you so much for my daughters. I believed you were perfect, because to me, you were._ _You gave me my children,and you saved my life. There are others who need you like we did, and I know you won't let them down._

 _-Dorie Russell._

 _So to make up for all the estrogen up there I'll just say that you're running out of time ,so do whatever you got to dour but do it quick Montgomery._

 _-Karev._

 _I second Karev. It's the first sensible thing I've heard him say in a month._

 _-Miranda._

 _Bailey agrees with me. Pigs might fly. George might grow facial hair. You might wake up. Just saying It's one of those days, you know what I mean?_

 _-Alex._

 _Ads they're all going crazy here. It's lonely without you._

 _-Mark._

 _I can't believe you live here with these people. You can't die here, Addie,it would be an awful last memory._

 _-Archer._

 ** _.._**

"You need to-prepare." Weiss says, uncomfortable and pained.

"Not now," he says roughly , walking away but he holds him back.

"I'll do it."his - _their -_ friend offers weakly, the right thing to do, and it sounds like a nail in the coffin he's offering to pick out.

" _Not now_." he says even more quietly and Savvy pulls him into a hug.

"I know it feels too soon."

"It is." he chokes,and Weiss pounds him on the back like it's not tears he's choking on.

 _ **..**_

 _Sweetie, we're supposed to get old and wrinkled together,you and Derek and me and Weiss and we'll all live on the beach and drink out of coconuts and nag our husbands, that's what we decided. Remember?_

 _-Sav._

 _I'll admit I hated you, for a while, when you did Sav's surgery. But I realised you gave her back to me,for the rest of our lives, and it meant everything to me. I know Derek would feel the same._

 _-Weiss._

 ** _.._**

" You look like hell. Come to the hotel with us." Naomi says, motherly as ever.

"I'll stay."

Someone's left a blanket folded on the chair that has become his bed, and he's grateful because somewhere through the years he's lost the ability to sleep without her warmth pressed into him,feet tangled together and satin red hair splayed over his chest.

It's cold in the ICU but not colder than her hands and he rubs them aimlessly,substituting what she can't give herself.

"You're more than an obligation," he says softly, circling his thumb over her knuckles. "You're what I want. And I'm sorry,Addie,I'm so sorry."

If Judy sees the wet spot on her sheets at the next vitals check she says nothing, but there's a box of Kleenex on the table that wasn't there before.

Two days.

* * *

 _ **Please review! Knowing if you're enjoying it really helps me wrote new chapters.**_


	8. Chapter 8

**_I nearly fainted at all the reviews on the last chapter. You guys ROCK. So here is an update._**

 ** _Also,I was biding my time with Meredith . You'll see why. Sorry if she came across as whiny earlier,I didn't mean it._**

 ** _Day Twenty Eight_**

It is macabre , to plan a funeral for someone who is still alive.

To pick the coffin,and the flowers,and make a guest list.

But it's Bizzy,and who's he to say she's still alive when it was he who broke her?

Because she's not alive.

She _exists_ , yes , but she's not _alive_ , not like she used to be , Addison who loved to walk barefoot on grass and who sang tunelessly to the babies in her NICU and danced in the bathroom and accumulated shoes wherever she went.

"Lilies?" she asks; her daughter's funeral and she's planning it the way she did their wedding.

Carolyn masks a sob.

"Lilies, then."

"Derek what is she _doing_?" she hisses later,damp fingers pulling at his sleeve.

"She's coping."

He is too.

He wakes up in the mornings and showers and dresses and he eats when someone reminds him and he sits by her side and wonders if even after everything he deserves this particular form of torture.

It rains almost always and he's reminded of how it annoyed her, ruined her hair and her shoes and made her adorably crabby.

Not that he told her that at the time.

He didn't tell her a lot of things.

That he wore his wedding band till Oregon.

That when he picked the land, he imagined little redheaded children running over it.

That he has a picture of her in his wallet,the same one for eleven years- the wallet and the picture both - one from med school, long hair and bright eyes,and that he looked at it till the real thing came blazing in.

That he still sleeps only on the right side of the bed and he still folds his shirts and uses coasters and squeezes toothpaste from the _end_ not the middle like she said a million times.

And now he might not get to tell her.

The Captain is baseline drunk, carefully controlled and ever so slightly off balance.

"Bizzy,for heaven's sake,hold off till she's - you know,actually dead."

"It'll be too hard,after."she says,and for a moment her voice is soft.

"We have to _do_ something."Archer says, grief stricken and wild eyed.

"Get out." Mark advises,and they do.

"Thanks."he mutters.

"Not for you. For her."

Her veins are collapsed; no IV access means they slide the needle into her subclavian, steel biting into soft skin his mouth has marked so many times.

 _"Ooh_ _, Derek, not that one."_

 _"Sorry."_

 _"Don't push so hard , and your angle's wrong,it hurts."_

 _"I'm trying but I can't get it in!"_

 _"You do realise that sounds vaguely dirty." Mark snorts and they collapse in laughter, butterfly needles in hand, the crook of her elbow bruised and red._

 _"You wanna try?" she giggles,brandishing the needle at Mark._

He looks at Mark and knows he's remembering the same day, sunny and warm, jeans and t shirts in the lab, the smell of rubbing alcohol and squeals of students stabbing each other with needles.

"All done," the nurse says absentmindedly,force of habit,as if she can hear anything.

Can she?

"Please."he whispers like a prayer in her ear.

 _"Praying?" he teases._

 _She flushes slightly." Trying."_

 _"But you're a WASP_ _, and you only go to church on Christmas."_

 _A faint smile curves her lips . " Right."_

 _"She's fine now,Addie."_

 _But he didn't see it, the twisted metal,pouring smoke in the rain,blood and vomit and alcohol and half digested pills,he didn't keep her alive with his hands until the ambulance came._

 _"She has to be."_

"I'm family,I have to see her-"

"Visiting hours are-"

" _Amy?_ "

"I had to come."

"It's been years."

"She came for me."she says flatly,and walks ahead of him into the room.

They're all here now, past and present mingling uncomfortably, and it's all starting to feel like _goodbye._

Naomi cries and Sam avoids Bizzy and Bizzy plans and the Captain drinks and Archer blusters and his mother blots tears,his sisters call incessantly and there are navy and pale blue shadows moving constantly outside the glass,peeking, until it all blurs into tears and then Mark is there, a firm hand pulling him into winter sunshine on the roof.

"Get it together." he says fiercely.

"It's too soon,we need more time," he gulps, looking out over rain misted buildings.

 _It's always raining here, Derek!_

"You don't get to break down,"he says again, pinning him to the low parapet." Not while there's still a chance."

Is there still a chance?

He corners Nelson in his office, bombards him with treatment protocols until the man caves and agrees to try.

"It'll take a few hours... _if_ it works." he says dubiously and he's filled with renewed hate for the spineless surgeon.

"Real fine department you got here,big brother ." Amy sneers,on the phone to someone she knows at Mayo, to someone _that_ person knows, then to someone who they don't know but might be their only chance.

He finds himself in an on call room, breathing hard, ticking down the hours on the watch she gave him for his twenty third birthday.

"I'm sorry," he blurts to the huddled shadow on the bed; the words leap out and fall flat when he see its Meredith.

"How is she?" she asks gently,guiding him to a chair and silently handing him a tissue.

"Running out of time."he croaks.

"I'm sorry too,"she whispers. "More than you'll ever know."

"Why?"

She looks at him blankly,like it's only so obvious." It's my fault,Derek! I stole her husband, _I_ put my hand on that bomb, _I_ was the reason it exploded at all, I'm the reason she's running out of time,that this is happenin at all,because it shouldn't be happening, she should be alive and happy and all fabulous again,don't you get it? It's _my fault_. Every time I look at her it's like a slap in the face - _you did this_ \- and so I don't. I'm hiding, but you're always here, you're everywhere,so please, _leave me alone._ Don't try to make me feel better because when you get down to it I'm the dirty mistress who killed the wife. "

 _Survivors guilt_ he hears Preston's deep voice saying.

"It's not," he says wearily, giving comfort when he so desperately needs it." It's mine,not yours, not hers, _mine_. Why do you think I stayed in that OR? Not just because it was Bailey's husband,and if that isn't bad enough,why did I come into the OR with the bomb instead of going to find my wife who I knew would be worried sick? Why didn't I answer my pager after the explosion? Because I couldn't make up my mind. I couldn't make up my goddamn mind between my _wife_ and my girlfriend and now I might not have a wife anymore. And the last thing she'll have known is that I abandoned her. So it's my fault,and don't you take the glory."

He leaves her sitting stunned on the bed, feeling lighter if not absolved,and the guilt at laying his burden on Meredith's narrow shoulders is very , very faint.

 _I didn't know you at all but I knew you were the surgeon I want to be. You were confident and passionate and you were a goddess in the OR. People were jealous of your McDreamy and your wardrobe and your hair,but I was jealous of your mind._ _If I become half the doctor you were, I'll consider my dreams fulfilled. I hope there's scalpels in heaven,or wherever._

 _-Cristina Yang._

 _You said to me that you had a lot to teach if I wanted to learn and I did but now you're not here and I'll have to find someone else, but they won't be you. I'll be the best neonatal surgeon you ever saw, I promise. Watch me from wherever it is you are, and I know I can do it._

 _-Izzie Stevens._

 _Sometimes it's hard to be yourself when people already have opinions about you,and I know that. And even though we called you Satan,you were the most compassionate surgeon I've ever met and I'll never forget you._

 _-George O'Malley._

 _My ass will always be yours, if you know what I mean. Squishy pink forever. I'll miss you._

 _-Alex._

 _Addison, I always said to you that people plan, and God laughs. Just this once, maybe it could be the other way around. I always wanted you to excel at everything. And you did. Do it one more time._

 _-Beatrice Montgomery._

 _When you were a kid you used to think I was the strongest person in the world. You looked up to me and you knew I'd look out for you,and I did , always, I kicked boys asses for you and I carried you home and I loved you like I didn't know I could love someone. This is the one thing I couldn't protect you from, Addie, and I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry we didn't get more time together .I'll miss you like hell. I'll miss you calling me Archie and hitting me and yelling and scaring off my girlfriends and hounding me to settle down and outdrinking me and I'll miss your ugly face at my book launches and at Bizzy's damn parties and all the time, really._

 _I have no idea where you go from here and neither do you, probably, but I hope it has good wine and chocolate and beaches and viewfinders so you can spy on us and I hope that wherever it is,that you're happy. I love you, sis._

 _Tibi semper in corde meo._

 _-Archer._

 _I wish we could go sailing one more time, Kitten,you and me,and you could get us in irons and I wouldn't mind because then we'd have time to talk about the things we never did. I'd tell you I'm proud of you as a surgeon,that I admire your work and I'd tell you that you turned out better than my wildest dreams.I'd apologise for the days I missed.I'd give anything, for one more tennis match, one more recital,one more awards ceremony. I'd apologise for the days I wasted and I'd buy you ice cream this time. Rocky road.I remember. I'd apologise for the lies I made you tell and I'd understand if you didn't forgive me. I'd take pictures this time,to remember you by. You were always so beautiful,I don't think I ever told you that. I named you Addison for a son I thought I wanted but you were so much better,my brave noisy smart little Addie._

 _There's so much I could say right now but my eyes are suspiciously blurry and you know what your mother says. You'll always be here in spirit, if not in body. I love you forever and always._

 _-Father._

 _Ads. Addie,Red,Monty, Manhattan, I called you a million things but 'mine' was never one of them. I wish it was but it wasn't so don't feel bad about it. I'll be fine right here. But I want you to know I love you . I always have, I think. Just took me a long time to realise it.I always will. It's okay to say it now because what the hell does it matter anymore. If I knew we'd end up like this,I'd have fought harder. I swear I won't abuse interns anymore. I'll try to be more human. Less of a word I won't write here,but you know what I mean . And I'll take the opportunity to tell you you were the most stubborn crazy insane beautiful wonderful frustrating girl I ever met. Anyway,I hope you get to drink all the martinis you want and do all the bloody surgeries you want and all the stuff of your dreams. I hope you haunt me and I think you'd like to do that .Pop into bathrooms and stuff Live up to that nickname of yours. You won't be forgotten, that's for sure. Bye, Red._

 _-Mark._

 _I asked you once to stay for me,and you did, but it hasn't worked this time around so I'd like to say-the day I gave you that baby I knew I broke a small part of you and I'm sorry. But I want you to know it was because you were too good .You cared too much and you gave too much of yourself and I did it to protect you .It worked . You became my star,my prodigy, I couldn't be prouder of you, but you were more than that. You were the daughter I never had. I might not have walked you down the aisle,but you did coax a dance out of me,and you told me it was the happiest night of your life,happier than your first solo surgery and your first real save. I hope you get to be that kind of happy,always. I'll miss you, Addie. I hope you're in a better place._

 _-Richard._

 _I'm sorry. If I had pushed, if I hadn't been a coward, you would be alive. I'm sorry. I named my son for you,and I hope he'll grow up to be like you, strong and kind and just a little bit soft. You were probably the closest friend I've had in this hospital, and I'll miss you every day,but I'll keep going and I'll be a badass surgeon like you .You'll be proud, Addison. I hope you remember what I said to you, that no man defines who you are. No one can define you. They're breaking apart without you here. Watch over them. As one final favor, watch over my son. A guardian angel,you'd like the fluffiness of that._

 _Every day, I will look at my child and I'll remember the sacrifice it took to bring him into this world. Goodbye, Addison._

 _-Miranda._

 _Babe,you changed my life. You pushed me to do things I couldn't have thought I was capable of. You got drunk with me and we danced and we talked and we told secrets and you'll never know how much you meant to me. You were a real friend. No judging, no lies. I like your legs, by the way. Show them off every chance you get. Drink a cosmo for me. Kick off your shoes and put your feet up. I believe in life after death and since we didn't get that much time together I have no idea if you do but I'd like to imagine you on some eternal beach with hot guys and no one to mess with your head._

 _It's wrong that you're gone so young. Live it up,chica._

 _-Callie._

"My turn," Savvy sobs as she reaches for the pen."I never thought I'd write Addie notes other than to tell her to pick up more booze on the way home."

There's a brief moment of levity, grim laughter bouncing off walls that feel increasingly closer.

"Let it rip, Sav," Weiss says. "Everything you always wanted to say."

"It won't fit on a fucking notepad," she snaps,flinging it into the wall opposite, and her uncharacteristic burst of anger draws their attention, and they don't notice the faint uptick in the numbers on the screen.

"Savvy, easy," Naomi rubs her back soothingly." It's hard for all of us-"

" Dr . Shepherd -" Judy darts in, an incongruous grin on her wide face.

"Another vitals check? The fuck does that help now?" Savvy demands,unable to stop once she's started swearing.

He hasn't heard her swear once in fifteen years of friendship.

"Just ... leave us, please," he asks her quietly." There's little enough time as it is."

" _Look_ at that," she says impatiently, turning his head to the monitor. "Look!"

 ** _Don't kill me? And maybe review?_**


	9. Chapter 9

**_Okay,so it's been a while since I've updated - mental blocks seem to be my thing these days._**

 ** _Thanks so much to all the reviewers, you keep me going!_**

* * *

 ** _Day Twenty Nine_**

 ** _..._**

 _"Look. Look at that!"_

 _"She's breathing against the vent,"_

 _"Should we-"_

 _"No."_

 ** _..._**

"Richard, please."

"You know why."

"But-"

"Don't do this just to make it easier on yourself." he peers at him,eyes dark and unreadable." Do what's right."

"Right now? You want to do it _right now_?" Archer yells,incredulous. "Selfish _bastard._ "

"Ar _cher_." Bizzy says sharply,and this little grain of normalcy makes him laugh,which makes the Captain look at him like he's gone crazy but he has no right because he's drunk as a lord and anyway he might actually be crazy because who the hell has to do this sort of a thing?

* * *

 _"Why do you watch that stuff?"he asks,smiling at her all snuggly in sweats and his stolen t shirt_ , _curled on what passes as a couch in his trailer._

 _Their trailer._

 _"Because it's nice to know someone has a life more screwed up than mine."she explains," even if it is on TV."_

* * *

What could possibly be more screwed up than this?

"Don't screw it up," Mark warns."Think it through."

"There's no time to think."

Time. It goes so fast.

Amy's a baby and crying in the night,Amy's four with his hand clamped across her jaw as she swallows screams, Amy's sixteen and shooting drugs and now Amy's - _god_ ,he feels old- and she's telling him it's up to him because the treatment worked but not enough.

"You'll never be enough."he says meanly to Meredith when he catches her hovering in the doorway. It feels nice to see someone else hurt for a change. "You do know that right?"

"Nice," Archer says sarcastically."I mean, I always thought you were an ass but this is a new level,even for you."

 _I wasn't there for you._

It's true,he wasn't there for her when they tried to save her .

Because he was with Meredith.

Is it her fault? Or his?

"It's all your fault," Mark says to the wall, five years old again, as he sits beside him on a gurney." She stayed because of you."

It's true,she did. She stayed for him.

She stayed in Seattle and she stayed in the trailer and she stayed in the OR and she might die.

Will die, unless he makes the right decision.

 _ **...**_

 _"Derek,you know the risks, we extubate now and her trachea will swell,if she can't breathe off the vent and we can't reintubate..."_

 _"But shes already breathing against it."_

 _"She's not strong enough. She's not fighting hard enough."_

 ** _..._**

But she can ,she's so goddamn strong she's never needed him.

Not in med school where she beat him on every exam and not as an intern and not in residency where she won Chief Resident and not in their marriage where he pulled away more and more and she never seeemed to be affected - _sometimes desperate people do desperate things to attract attention_ but _he had no idea she felt that way_ \- and she certainly didn't need him that night when he came home early for a change.

She needs him now.

 _ **...**_

 _"What's the other option?" he asks ,stalling, because he knows the other option and it's too painful ._

 _"We wait till tomorrow night,and if she wakes up-"_

 _"And if she doesn't?"_

 _"We let her go."Richard sighs._

 _ **...**_

He makes decisions every day.

Red tie blue tie , operate or not.

Chocolate, blueberry, decaf or regular.

He makes decisions that are right.

 _" You're staying with her." A statement, not a question._

 _"She's my wife." An excuse, not an answer._

He makes decisions fast.

 _"You stay. I'll go. I'll - get my clothes in the morning."_

 _"If you go- if you go, now, we won't get through this."_

 _It felt like freedom, slamming that door._

He's good at making decisions. Just not this one.

"Derek,you need to tell us." Richard clears his throat when they get down to twelve hours.

"Why me?" he croaks,and he doesn't think Richard's ever looked so disappointed in him .

"You're the one she chose,"Mark says,eyes hard. "That's why."

 _Eleven years- eleven birthdays, eleven Christmases, eleven Thanksgivings. It doesn't go away that easily._

Why is it that it's okay to give up like this but not like that- it's okay to let her die but not okay to leave her when she was whole and healthy?

Thoughts slide across the clouded planes of his mind; fight or surrender? Cling or let go?

"She fought for you," Savvy throws at him, desperate and showing it."She hated it here but she fought for you."

"Don't hurt her more." Sam mumbles, breaking but not showing it.

 _Eleven hours._

Eleven years.

Eleven years of Sunday crosswords and notes on the fridge, eleven years of sleeping tangled in the same bed, eleven years of predicting her sentences and now they want him to sentence her,literally.

He fingers the page he tore last night from the notepad, ink and tears drying stiff on the paper.

 _Addie,_

 _I don't really know how to do this._

"I know it's hard," his mother's stays gently."But you have to do it."

 _So I'm just going to say whatever comes into my head. No filter._

 _No anesthesia._

"You're hoping she'll make it easier for you,right? That you won't need to choose?" Amy taunts, adolescent again in her grief.

"Filter." someone says tiredly.

 _No filter this time,because we've been filtering too long. Glossing over things we should have said a long time ago._

"In sickness and in health, remember." Adele says ,tearstained and shaking.

"It was a long time ago." he says and she looks a little defeated.

 _You were the love of my life. You were my best friend._

 _That never changed. But that was a different life,Addie, we were young and we didn't know better._

 _But I chose you eleven years ago and I chose you again in Seattle and I'm choosing you again._

 _Maybe third time's the charm._

"How long do we have." he asks Richard,running a hand through his hair. _It's...longer. I like it._

"Ten hours."

The page is still three quarters blank but it feels like tempting fate to leave it like that.

So he settles by her side, pen in hand,remembering a different set of papers and a different pen, but the crippling indecision seems to be a constant theme.

"What do want me to do, Addie?" he pleads.

There was silence,before, in the trailer and in the car and on the ferry and in the hospital,it descended gradually as her hopes fizzled out, as the light in her eyes died a little every time she rounded a corner,walked into an elevator, looked into his eyes, and saw him with Meredith.

It was a different silence,though,because she _could_ have said something, she just didn't want to.

Now she can't.

It was always a cruel tennis match with the two of them , knocking words back and forth ,battering at each other,cutting, bruising, until they were both exhausted and no one scored.

 _Love_ , they call it, when no one scores.

Without her, he's battering against a wall,alone, his words bouncing back at him.

"I love you."he says,brushing her hair behind her ears, needing to say it. "I'm... fighting for you .For us. So if you can hear me, help me. Meet me halfway. Don't give up, Addie."

"I want to wait till tonight."he tells Richard, and half the waiting room sighs in relief as the other half glares.

Eight hours.

* * *

 _ **Short, I know.**_

 _ **I'll try to update faster... meanwhile,let me know how you feel!**_


	10. Chapter 10

**_Day Thirty_**

It's beautiful tonight.

Of all the things he has to think about, this is what comes to mind as he stands on the roof,breathing guilty lungfuls of air.

That it's beautiful tonight, velvet sky and pinprick stars, the first time it's not raining in a while, and that she won't get to see it.

That in the morning,she'll be gone.

 _Gone_.

It sends a wave of numbness down his spine,seeping into his bones and settling in his stomach.

 _Gone._

How many times has he said that to a patients' family?

 _Gone._

It's never felt real, not until now; he's never felt the sucking emptiness of that word, the weight of its meaning.

It means never seeing her again, never hearing her voice, her laugh,never feeling her touch him again.

Which is so strange he almost laughs-or maybe he does, because Mark looks at him sideways.

"What?"

"Can you imagine it?" he asks Mark,and there's no need to specify what.

"Not really."

"Me neither."

"Sixteen years,Derek."

"I know,it doesn't feel-"

"Real?"

" 'It's real, all right. I just - I can't _see_ it."

"Then maybe,"Mark says," It's not real."

Or maybe he said something else because right now his head feels like he worked a double shift with a hangover. And the flu.

 _ **..**_

 _It feels like a crap dream, like that one you used to have all the time, turning up naked in the OR and everyone stares but no one tells you except the patient when he wakes up. I feel like my patient is never waking up and it's never going to end, Red,tell me it's not real._

 _-Mark._

 _ **..**_

 _This is the longest I've gone without hearing from you,and it's ridiculous. I used to call you all the damn time,remember? We talked about now I'm losing my best friend and I have no one to talk to about it,which is wrong on so many levels; Addie,pinch me hard like you used to when we were little. Wake me up._

 _-Savvy._

 ** _.._**

"You look like shit."Archer says coolly.

"I always looked up to you," he grins,sliding onto the bench beside him.

"Shepherd,this isn't the time for wisecracking."

"Why not?"

He worried, momentarily,about Archer's fist, or his tongue,which is possibly worse,but he just looks tired.

"I thought grief came after the fact."

"I'm not grieving .There's no reason to. She'll make it."

"So stupid," he shakes his head."I _told_ her not to marry you, but she never listens."

 _ **..**_

 _You never listen to me,not about the things that matter anyway. You can ignore me all you want,just be here so I can tell you things. I can't imagine not having you here,Addie,I'll be the only sane Montgomery left. Don't do that to me._

 _-Archer._

 ** _.._**

He drifts down the hall towards Bizzy's shrieks, grateful for the distraction from her children.

"She wants to _what_."

"Donate her body," Weiss explains, looking amused."To science."

"Lucky med students."Savvy says,and giggles nervously.

And then again,the sound sweet and unfamiliar in this soulless hallway,so he laughs with her,and Bizzy turns on him.

"Derek,what is this?Did you know about this?"

 _No. I didn't know her at all, apparently,because my Addie wouldn't have given up._

 _Given up._

She's giving up.

In all the years he has known Addison Forbes Montgomery _(Shepherd)_ she has never given up.

Except now.

When it matters the most, when giving up means leaving him here alone with the knowledge he let her go without telling her what she was to him,leaving him here alone with their regrets and their mistakes, _now_ she chooses to give up.

 _ **..**_

 _You were the one who told me I'm supposed to not give up till there's absolutely nothing that I can do. Doesn't that go for you too?_

 _-Karev._

 ** _.._**

He broke her.

Not physically.

He broke _her_ , the essence of what made her Addison,the woman they called Satan,and not lightly.

Every word, every cutting glance,every chilly elevator ride and every night spent at the hospital, they piled up until even she couldn't take it any more.

 _ **.**_

 _"Do you want me to stay, Derek?"_

 _"I do", he answers with the words he said eleven years ago._

 ** _._**

He let her stay, and for what?

So she could watch him watch Meredith,a threeway staring contest where no one made eye contact and the one to get caught was the loser.

So she could pin rings to her scrub top while his sat on the nightstand,an open taunt.

So she could feel the way he felt in his own bedroom in his own house in the city he'd lived in forever.

Alone.

He made her feel alone.

 _I'm lonely , Derek._

Guilt hurts. It tastes like tequila sliding down his throat, the tang of lime and the bite of the salt.

 _You blew me off for a bottle of tequila?_

Wait. Who did he say that to?

But he feels like he needs this tonight and _thinking_ is an abstract concept right now.

 _ **..**_

 _I need a drink if I'm going to sit through what no parents should ever have to see, but all I want is a vodka tonic and no one makes them like you. It's just one of the things I'll miss. I won't say goodbye,Kitten,not 's time still._

 _-William Montgomery._

 ** _.._**

"You're drunk,"Naomi accuses.

"Not enough," he says,and then guilt comes back up his throat tasting worse than before.

His head pounds in time with the beeps of the monitors and he wants to smash every fucking one of them.

"Take a break, honey," his mother suggests.

"Don't need to." he glowers,and Amy stops her from following him.

"Don't be a dick," she snaps behind him in the men's room.

"Men's room,Amy." he croaks,bloodshot eyes meeting hers in the mirror.

" _You're_ here."she retorts.

He'd like to punch her, he thinks, rattle her skinny shoulders till she screams.

Better yet,he'd like to punch the mirror,blacken the same blue eyes that are boring into his back, until blood runs down his wrists.

 _Put the ice on your hand._

He didn't want it,didn't need it. What good would her comfort do when she was the one who hurt him?

He doesn't need her.

She doesn't want him.

Why is she dragging this out?

 _Stop being an adulterous bitch._

Described her perfectly.

He knows her; she'll hang on to the end, claw him on her way out.

Draw blood, leave scars.

On his skin, on his heart.

Right now, in this moment,he hates her.

He wishes it would just end already.

"Can't you do something." he snarls at Nelson , and power runs through his veins as the man cowers.

"There's nothing left to try,you know that." Amy says, and he wonders when it got to the point that his ex-junkie sister became his voice of reason.

 _ **..**_

 _I used to look up to you,I thought I wanted to be you when I grew up. I admired you. But now I think you're giving up too soon. You're not fighting, Addie,and you always said to never settle for second best. What you're doing isn't even second best. You're hurting him. And everyone here. I'm not allowed to be mad at you but really Addison I thought you could do better._

 _-Amelia._

 ** _.._**

"You're angry." she says simply, looking somewhere over his shoulder. "I used to be to."

"You? Why?"

"I don't know... at myself, I guess.I couldn't save him."

He feels some of the white-hot rage fade away." Amy..."

"I know, I know. But maybe," and her eyes are squirrel-bright, the same shade as _his_ and full of life like they used to be. So long ago."Just maybe, if I had screamed-"

 _If you had let me scream._

"-he might still be, you know. Here ."

"You couldn't have done anything ." he says lamely, so many people have said it to him.

About his father. About Amy,that long-ago night. About Addie,now.

It's never been true.

"I know that. And you do,too, but you were angry too. You saw it too. The gun and the shot and the blood and the fucking brains on the floor,Derek,you saw it too; there's a reason we grow neurosurgeons like weeds."

 _We_.

They're still family. They're all here, Kath and Nancy and Liz and their mother.

Sam and Naomi, Archer and the Captain and Bizzy and Savvy and Weiss and Bailey and Richard and Adele.

Mark.

"You knew."

He knows too,now. She's been here a month,her chart an open invitation to anyone who is so inclined.

He let his eyes skate numbly over the clinical terms of her betrayal, and it didn't feel like anything in the face of what was happening,but now, _now_ ,with hours left on the clock he's got blinkers on; tunnel vision, he's single minded and focuses on one thing at a time and anything that's not about whats happening in two hours is fair game,so now he lets himself feel the rage burning through him.

"I knew."

 _About the baby_ , neither of them says it, but they're on the same page.

They always are.

"And about the-"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't tell me."

"It was her story to tell."

"Cut the crap. Was she at least happy about it?"

 _ **.**_

 _Not now,Derek._

 _There's still time,Derek._

 _I ...please, I'm just not ready._

 _Do you think it would have been different? If you'd had kids?_

 ** _._**

"No."

It might have felt better,less of a betrayal, if it had at least made her it hadn't been for nothing.

"I was, though." but his slate eyes are black with pain,grief,god knows what, and it extinguishes whatever was blazing through his mind.

"How'd we get here,Mark?"

"No idea."

They sit together on the bench but three feet apart,not because they're men but because there's a third of them missing, cold air blowing through the gap between them.

It feels off balance, wrong.

He'll never get used to this.

 _ **..**_

 _I'll do anything. Anything. We'll move back to New York, you can take Chief. The Hamptons every weekend and I'll let you we could stay here,if you want,no more trout, no more fishing, we'll blow up the trailer, have a bonfire. I'll do anything you want. Please._

 _-Derek._

 ** _.._**

"You drive a hard bargain,Shepherd." Sam observes. "You wouldn't have had to if you took what she was offering in the first place."

He's always disliked his holier-than-thou attitude, and he seems to have a free pass lately; they all treat him like he's made of glass, so he has a go.

"Like you did with Naomi?"

That should take care of it.

He remembers his puppylike worship of Addison, his courtship of Naomi, the change in dynamic after he suddenly vanished off the surgical floor and turned up in Cardio.

* * *

 _"She's had this crush on him, like , forever, since the mixer before classes started...but she wouldn't do anything about it,so I may have dropped Sam a hint . Or two. " she says, leaning into him, post-finals high and vodka loosening her tongue and her hands._

 _"I had a crush on you too," he teases._

 _"Likewise."_

 _"Shut up. You turned me down the first time I asked you out."_

 _"And the second." she reminds him,giggling._

 _"Third time lucky." And he kisses her to prove it._

 _"They're cute together,aren't they?"_

 _"And us?"_

 _"We're not cute," she smirks against his mouth."We're perfect."_

* * *

"It could have been me," Sam says,sounding -wistful? "It could have been us."

It's just that sort of day,the barriers are down and none of the rules apply, secrets are flying thick and fast as time slides away , slippery in their cluthching fingers, and someone is going to get hit.

It's probably him,though he can't really feel much at this point.

It's gray outside and Grey inside; she's standing there scrawling on a chart and he's too close to pretend he hasn't noticed, so he just keeps going.

"Derek."

 _It's like I was drowning,and you saved me. You were like coming up for fresh air._

Did he deserve saving?

Not this time.

"I'm sorry,"she says sincerely."For-everything."

"Me too."

There's a lot to be sorry about.

 _ **..**_

 _I'm sorry I was never the mother you needed._ _I did my best. You turned out brilliantly,just the same. I never imagined having to see my daughter die. Then again I never imagined having a daughter,but you were a good one._

 _-Bizzy._

 ** _.._**

 _I'm sorry we missed our chance.I'm sorry I wasn't braver._

 _-Sam._

 ** _.._**

 _I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better. We could have been close friends._

 _-Preston._

 ** _.._**

 _I'm sorry we didn't keep in touch. If I had known we wouldn't have the time, well,I wouldn't have let you ignore me. Addison,I don't care that he's in love with you or that he has been since ages ago in med school or that you knew and you pushed him to me anyway,I don't care we haven't spoken in a year and I don't care I didn't have a single idea what was going on with you. I'm sorry,and I want you back.I'm done saying goodbyes. You told me to go after what I want .Take charge. I am._

 _-Naomi._

 _ **..**_

It's heavy, like a wet blanket, weighing on him until he sinks exhausted into the chair beside her.

Sorry is an empty hollow word, so common, but it makes him feel leaden with - what?

It just feels like something cold and heavy in his stomach.

"Derek,please, just for a while .You'll feel better."his mother begs,and he can't bear to deny her one more thing so he leans his head against chilled glass and closes his eyes but sleep hovers elusively, like so many other things.

When he opens his eyes he sees himself in the glass and when he closes them he sees her through different glass, rain-fogged and tearstained,begging him to let her into _their_ home and he's not sure which is worse but he might not get to see her at all pretty soon so he keeps his eyes shut.

Voices, all around him murmuring, whispering, soft scratch of pen on paper,beeping, the sting of antiseptic and the scrunch of sterile wrappers.

He sees vivid ocean eyes behind smudged goggles,smells formalin and hears the beginning of forever,he sees red hair and he smells lilies and he hears _I do_ , he sees long legs and the wrong hands, he smells the wrong kind of scotch and he hears the door slam shut behind him.

He slammed it shut on his whole life,really.

He's never been alone; five kids in three bedrooms, college flatmates, Mark, Addison.

He wasn't alone here, even in Seattle; he chose the land for how isolated it was. Quiet.

And still he wasn't alone because she kept him up at night, tortured thoughts of where she might be. _Who_ she might be with.

Her voice in his inbox until he stopped opening the messages. Her face in his wallet. A ponytail holder on the floor of the car.

He never really left her.

That's what he tells himself,anyway,to fight the suffocating loneliness.

"What were you going to do,exactly, if she hadn't been fool enough to turn up in Seattle?" Archer asks with dull curiousity.

"I don't know." he says,honest and ashamed.

"What will you do now?" he asks, taking her hand and setting it down again, as pointless a gesture as he feels.

"I don't know."

"What _do_ you know?" and he doesn't sound mad,just annoyed.

He knows that he can't go on,after.

He knows that he'll do it anyway. She never did like a quitter.

Maybe he'll move back to Manhattan. He had a life there, a life where most of the memories were happy and the ghosts are friendly.

He met her there, they became doctors there, it's where they married and built hopes and spun dreams .

Seattle is where he lost her in the literal sense of the word, where he threw those hopes and dreams away and watched himself change into something unrecognisable.

He'll go back, yes, that's what she would have wanted.

He'll open a practice like she wanted to, with Mark and Helen and Naomi if she'll come-there's nothing keeping her in LA just like there's nothing keeping him here- and it'll be a little wrong because she won't be there, but she always wanted to do it.

He'll give the Hamptons to Nancy , someone with family,fill the empty rooms with pounding feet and pealing laughs, let them live out the dreams he had.

He'll remember Sunday dinner and every birthday and graduation and recital. He'll take weekends off-although what he'll do, he has no idea- and he'll go on.

Because she's not going to make it. Thirty minutes is enough for a lot of things,but not enough to right a decade of wrongs and it's not enough to cram a lifetime of memories into and it's not enough for a miracle.

He can go on,because he knows what it's like to be be loved. He knows what it's like to care about someone and have them feel the same about you. He knows it feels good,and the memories will carry him for a long time to come.

It'll take a long time for it to be light again,and maybe it'll always be a little dark somewhere, but he can go on because someday it'll be that way again,when he sees her wherever she's off to. He'll see her again,and until that time comes he'll just have to make the best of it,because she would have wanted it.

They're all crying now,fingers laced together,heads on shoulders, bodies packed tight in the tiny room and the clock is too fast it has to be too fast and there's an unfamiliar nurse and they're saying things to him and he realises he's been speaking out loud but he's not embarrassed because it's true and he's signing something and Weiss is hugging him and Mark's hand is on his shoulder and someone's sobbing, it doesn't take long - _shouldn't it take longer? Like it mattered more? -_ and hands pulling at his sleeve but their mouths move soundlessly and he's driving , somewhere, away,just away,like he did a year ago and then...then this happened and he wonders what will happen this time but it can't be worse can it and then he's away,somewhere.

 _ **..**_

 _I don't think I'm the one who should be writing this but I didn't, before, and no one else can, right now,and it's stupid,actually. You're gone now. I should have said it whatever. It was a beautiful story,and it needs an ending._

 _A better one, but this is what we got. Tragic really, but then again when do we get what we want? It wasn't his fault,that's what they said. None of us were in the ER,we were here. Saying goodbye. It was fast,not like yours. A semi. Quick,not neat, but no suffering. Was it supposed to happen? Maybe everything is supposed to happen and it's already planned , and we just don't know it. Maybe sometimes we miss things by the skin of our teeth and sometimes we hit them head on. Maybe nobody knows where we might end up . Pretty sure no one saw this coming. I sure didn't. I'm not sure of anything anymore because after this, literally anything could happen. I'm not sure why I'm writing, anyway, I could just speak but there's something weird about speaking down here.I get this feeling like it should be of respect, maybe. He loved you. I'm getting to the point, now. I'll make it quick because I'm going to cry now. I deserve to get to cry. He loved you,so much that he put a continent between you when he thought you didn't want him anymore. I think-might be a little presumptuous here but hear me out- that I reminded him of you. You were dark and twisty too,just a little. I hope you get to be shiny and bright now,and that he does too. Goodbye._

 _-Meredith._

 ** _.._**

* * *

 ** _The End_**

* * *

 ** _I don't like this chapter. You don't have to either. I just wanted to try it out, because Shondaland miracles are just too good to be believable and I wanted to see what happens otherwise. Please don't hate me._** ** _And feel free to curse in the reviews!_**


	11. Epilogue

It's warm, but not hot. Comfortable. There's a light breeze; it stirs his hair and feels so good he just stands there for a while, drinking it in.

He's wearing jeans, a flannel shirt, boots. Clean.

It doesn't hurt anymore, but how?

It's like late fall, leaves beginning to turn. Gold and auburn and purple and crisp yellow blanket fading emerald grass,and the sky is pearly gray, early evening light filtering through trees, dappling the walkways.

It smells like coffee and maybe hotdogs and cigarettes, he can hear a faint rush of traffic , and strangely the foghorn of a ferry.

There's a soft murmur of voices, somewhere, but he can't see anyone. He's walking aimlessly, it might be Central Park, it might be anywhere, really.

There are footsteps up ahead and he sees a tall dark haired man loping along, a little boy bouncing at his side.

The man smiles sadly at him,but passes him by. The child has a shock of dark hair and eyes that remind him of his mother's; he wonders how many secrets he left unheard.

And then they're gone and he's alone again, he feels like he's searching for something - someone? - but has no clue where to go.

Or where he is, or why, or how he got here, but it's nice, sort of. Peaceful.

He finds it up ahead, sitting angled slightly away from him on a park bench that seems familiar; a pocketknife and initials come to mind, sentimental silliness, but up close the bench is smooth unscarred wood.

"Fancy seeing you here," she says, blue eyes unsurprised, hand curled around a coffee cup.

"Where is here?"

"I don't know."

"Well,if you're here, it must be-"

"Oh, no. It's not. It's not heaven,like in the storybooks where you dangle your feet of a cloud and watch everyone below you and angels sing and there are golden gates- if it was I don't think I'd have got in at all."

"Then what?"

"I've been here a little longer than you , so... I think it's , you know. An - after. It's not perfect, it still hurts a little. But it's nice."

"It is."he agrees,and he watches the breeze stir her crimson curls. Watches her breathe.

"Why are you here?" he asks.

"I don't know,exactly. I just wanted to get away."

" You sure did."she snorts."And now you're stuck with me."

"I want to be ." he says. Truthfully.

"You didn't do it on purpose?!" she exclaims,eyes wide.

"Wh-No. No, Addie, I was a little to the left,he was a little to the right, it was just happened,I don't remember much."

"He?"

"Semi."

She winces, running light fingers over his skin. "You look...like always."

"So do you."

And she does,she looks beautiful and healthy and more alive than he's seen her in a while, her favorite black trench over his favorite red dress and heels.

"It's so quiet,here." she says,"Except the baby, can you hear it? It's crying and crying but I can't find it."

All he can hear is the faint sounds of a ballgame , maybe, cheers and yells.

"No."

"Maybe it's personalised." she laughs unsteadily. "Are we the only two here?"

"No, I saw...people."

"I didn't."

"That's good, isn't it? Means you didn't lose anyone." He says.

"Except you."

"Well,I'm here now."

There's a creak of metal chains behind them, and they turn to the high chain fence to see a playground.

There's a little girl on the swings, red hair whipping behind her,toes pointed into the dull sky.

She looks at them with twinkling blue eyes,smiling, her little hand clutching worn chains,and she's half out of her seat before he can hold her.

"She'll fall!"

"You can't help her now."he says softly,reeling.

"Let me go." she yanks at his grasp, eyes fixed on the precariously swinging child who doesn't seem to hear her distress.

"When?" he whispers.

She slumps back down, defeated. "A few weeks before... everything."

"You never told me."

"It was barely even anything, just two weeks along. You weren't there."

It's true,he wasn't. He was in- oh, god knows. It doesn't matter now.

He feasts his eyes on the sight of her, commits to memory her little nose, the tilt of her chin,the shape of her face,the shade of her eyes.

"I should have told you." she says.

"I should have let you."

One more regret, one more missed chance. So many already, what's one more?

"I'm sorry,"he sighs into her hair. Holds her tight, savors the movement of her ribs against his.

Rise,fall.

"Me too."

The wind picks up, colder now,blowing off the dark rippling water,and she shivers.

"Make it stop crying."

"What?"

"The baby," she sobs,folding over."I can't find it."

Neither can he.

Apparently the after is a personalised blend of happy and sad.

"Shh."he says ineffectually."The baby's okay."

"No its not." she says dully."I made sure of that."

"It'll be okay."he soothes.

And it will, it feels like it will because here,they have forever.

"What do you see?" he asks,half curious and half to distract her.

"Me? The Empire State Building,over there,and for some reason there were stables, and it's weird but it was like summer over there but over _there_ it's like winter,ice skating because the lake is 's cold. And it ...it's like fall here,fall in New York. The Park,remember that? When we first started dating?"

"Yeah,"he grins. He sees it too.

"The bench - Derek. The bench."she gets up, peering under at the slats of the bench.

"It won't be there." he says.

"Why?"

"It can't _all_ be perfect."

She sighs. "I wish it could."

"It's almost perfect," he says,drawing her close, staring into the deep blue he thought he'd never see again. "You're here, I'm here. It's pretty perfect."

She kisses him then, salty tears and soft lips. "You shouldn't be here."

"Neither should you."

"I'm sorry." they say at the same time,and she laughs,and this time he leans in to kiss her.

" It took us _this_ ," she gestures around at their shifting surroundings "To be together?"

"At least we get forever."he says,lacing their fingers together.

"We do?"

"I guess. Who knows."

"Who knows," she echoes faintly. "I'm okay with forever."

"Oh,I'm more than okay."

"We could have had more if we hadn't-"

"Died?"

She flinches. "Hm. We could have...been amazing surgeons. Had kids."

"We were amazing surgeons. And as for kids..."

She's still swinging, staring into the darkening sky.

"We'll be fine?"

"We will." he promises.

"What do you think they're doing? The rest of them?"

"Crying."

"God ,I hope not."she shudders. "I want them to be happy. Like I am, right now."

"I am too!"

"It's not a competition!"

"Whatever."

She's quiet for a while, watching the swing arc higher.

"Hey Addie?"

"Yeah?"

"We could have had a damn good time together."

"Oh god,not that cheesy line again."she groans.

"Come on,say it!"

"No."

"It's a _moment_ ,Addie,you're ruining it!"

"No I'm not,"she says fiercely,her lips rough against his." We're _having_ a damn good time together, we have all the time in the - not the world,but whatever this is. So I'm not saying the line."

"Fine by me."he smiles.

It sounds better than the line he wanted.

The little girl soars higher behind them, laughing, and her hand is safe and warm in his, and it feels just fine.

* * *

 ** _The (Real )End_**

* * *

 ** _Apologies, for the last chapter. This is penance._** ** _For the confused readers; yes,I killed Derek too. SORRY!_** ** _I hope this makes you feel a bit better; since I went off my rocker in the last chapter I decided there was no harm going crazycakes with this one._** ** _I swear I wasn't high or drunk while I wrote it._** ** _Please let me know what you thought!_** ** _And now, The End,for real._**


End file.
